The Things We Carry

So over the weekend one of my cats died. If you are a cat or dog person you probably can empathize with what my family is going through right now. She had been in my life for 5 years and my husbands' for 8. The house feels stunningly, unbelievably, empty of a presense that was taken far too soon.
The irony of it is that my husband and I are both animal resuce type people. I used to run a colony of cats in west philly, I saved over 50 cats and got them homes over the course of 4 years.

My very spiritual path, ahimsa, is one of nonviolence to all living creatures, what this means is that my house is a weird hodge podge of shabby plants given or found because I cannot bear the thought of throwing them away, as long as they live for as long as I am able, I will support life.

Death, Wild Unknown Tarot, Kim Krans

So our cat, Katy, she had the resources of two very cat knowledgable, very conscientous owners. Our cats get a visiting vet because regular vet experiences stresses them, our house is an ode to these unique little creatures sharing their lives with us.


So when a beloved cat who has all the attention and resources in their favor dies suddenly, it doesn't feel like it makes sense. How could this have happened? Why didn't we know? Wracking our mourning minds, replaying the last few weeks when her lungs were filling up with fluid and we had no clue until she began coughing, we took her to an emergency clinic, pneumonia, they said. But how? Come back in a few days they said, we are going to IV her antibiotics.

Two hours later we get a call, she has had an embolism. We are giving her CPR, they normally do not come back from this. We said, keep going! We rushed through the snow and heavy traffic of Valentines day, beating the steering wheel, mashing our teeth in the stuck roads, finally I told my husband to run let him out of the car until I could get there.

I'll save you the oscar winning grief ritual, the good bye, the state of our beloved. I can only tell you I did not say goodbye to her, did not tell her I loved her in time. And while I know that that is a silly sentence, that is the mind of the mourner. That morning I just left for work with a tossy, "see you guys later!" looking forward to my valentines day date. As an intuitive, I get to further shame myself, "How could you not KNOW, Jenna?!?" it was too close, she was too close, I missed it by a forever.

Death, Tarot of Delphi, Janet Hinkel

Stumbling out of the hall, the shocked ride home. The howling did not begin for a few hours but when it started, it was hard to stop. I cried a lot, I wrote a lot of poetry, I howled, why, why...why? What sense is there in this? How can this have happened? Why us? The rational mind demands an answer, as if that answer could possibly stop the grief. The loss.

It is a funny thing our culture and loss, while the mourning I think is universal, how society helps  mourners is an interesting thing. I remember watching a program about a village in Africa where those who lose a loved one have practically the whole village come and sit with her over the period of 3 days- 24/7, she is not left alone. But nor do they expect conversation, hosting, or anything- they just sit- they remind her that she is still part of the community, and while they cannot join her in that depth they do not leave her either.

During this time of loss for myself I have wondered at the private messages and thoughts sent from people I hardly even know. And others who I deeply love have not bothered to send a note. I do not blame them, I have learned from prior losses that those who come are those who are in a place that can. Death does funny things to people in society, in our society.

Death, Voyager Tarot, James Wanless

On a spiritual level, there are a lot platitudes about death and dying. "It was meant to be" "she was called home" it was karma, it was a spiritual lesson, etc.

Personally, I do not know the reason, the lesson, the categorical WHY of what happened and its spiritual implactions for all involved.

What I do know is that I am getting a good long stare into the chasm of the Great Mystery. I know that asking why and seeking "the answer to it all"  takes away from the experience of looking into the chasm of death, the Mystery I have yet to visit.

Sitting with mourning, really sitting with it, we become hyper aware of the present and our place in the world. The beauty that surrounds us still amidst deep loss and our minds might feel guilt about that, how can there be such beauty? Why does the world not plunge in darkness for mourning? Overwhelmed by it, our mind can only attend to immediate things.

Mourning is painful, it is ugly, it is raw and unreseved. It is also honest and it is also beautiful- why? Because I have loved. Because I still love.

So why am I sharing such a deeply personal thing on my blog here? Because often people come to me, come to tarot because they are looking for answers, for clarity, for comfort. Sometimes I and the Tarot are unable to give an answer that helps or takes away the pain and sometimes we are unable to make sense out of a senseless situation.

During these moments the only thing I can offer in a session is to help the other process the Great Mystery, without an attempt to resolve or redeem. Often these sessions also come with a big, "You are going to be ok. Your heart will heal, your pain is validated."

Sometimes the message is, very simply, that this is a thing we must endure. And in enduring we gain wisdom about suffering, ourselves and those who love us.

We all must endure.