The Thing About SoulMatesRead Now
About a million years ago I thought I met my soul mate. The energy between us was electric and I found an incredible resonance and connection with him that I had never felt before. It was like two trains colliding on a track. Our sparks were intense, our conversations long, and with him, I have an incredible intuition about: I knew if he was sick and if he was unhappy. Had he asked me for a kidney, I would have gladly handed one over. I could not breathe for the intense chemistry between us; it crackled like static in the air around us.
Our love story included war, international intrigue, and it also included my apparent ability to fix the things wrong in his life. It is a potent mix when we self-appoint ourselves as the healer of the twin flame in our lives. Like the constellations above, what I was here for and what we were meant to do together was laid out by the heavens. Right?
Because of this incredible energetic connection, I ignored so many red flags.
So. Many. Red. Flags.
Because… there was a reason we met, right? Why would I feel so strongly and deeply for someone if we weren’t meant to be? Sure, he had all these problems. Sure, his story didn’t match up. Sure, my heart skipping a beat was from insecurity and fear instead of joy. None of that mattered because he was my soul mate, my twin flame, he was destiny finally laid down by the Universe and my long search for meaning was over!
You know where this is going.
It all ended in the worst possible way. It lasted YEARS longer than it should have. I paid a price that changed my life trajectory in ways that reverberate even now. I finally ended it when I was too tired to be scared, too tired to feel the fear of abandonment, too tired to worry about money. I was tired in my skin and tired in my bones, even my bone marrow was tired.
I was exhausted from all the red flags I refused to consider. I was oppressed and beat down by the soul mate who demanded my very soul. I compromised huge tracts of my self-worth and dignity as payment for this soul mate. Until finally, one day, the fever broke and I got the hell out. Not without cost. Not without a tremendous sense of loss.
Here’s the thing, though, I do believe he is my soul mate, even today. I can still feel him when I tune in. There is something about the connection that is ever vibrant. Even though we no longer talk, I am absolutely certain that we are connected on a level that is below primal, it is instinctual.
I believe that there are people we have a true soul connection to. From another life, another dimension, another impossible magical way wherein we know we know that person, soul to soul. And the shock of that recognition and inner knowing is so powerful, it is so incredibly overwhelming that we will do almost anything to keep it. We come to believe that the electrocution that engulfs our heart means something more.
But just because we feel a soul connection with someone does not then mean we are meant to paint that picket fence and call it a day.
Chemistry does not equal commitment.
Energetic resonance does not mean ‘I do.”
Over the years I have come to understand that the term soul mate or twin flame is misleading. While we recognize each other soul to soul, these souls of ours are housed in biological bodies. These physical bodies have personalities, cultures, histories and karmic work to be done in this lifetime. Like a hermit crab, we are only housed here temporarily. And while my soul and his soul knew one another we both had personalities, temperaments and work that meant we were not here to facilitate each other’s domestic or romantic fantasies.
A soul mate is not here to fulfill our romantic aspirations.
A soul mate is not here to facilitate a biological partnership.
A soul mate is here to teach a lesson.
You and I have many soul mates. In fact, I prefer the term soul-connected. And, these soul-connected individuals usually have deep lessons to teach us about love, about loss, about our own power and our ethics.
Sometimes these soul-connected are here to teach us about evil, or selfishness, or temptation. All is not right and good with what our soul-connected may offer, but they will offer something significant and real, rich and intense.
If you are entangled with a ‘soul mate’ — but otherwise, there are as many red flags as the day is long — ask yourself, what is the lesson? Ask yourself, what aspects of myself am I suppressing in order to have this? Ask yourself, does this soul mate bring out the best, the healthiest, does he or she bring out the best in me?
Be honest. Be unflinching. Be brave.
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M.S. in Organizational Psychology and Leadership