How to identify, isolate, and evade takers, ‘brain pickers’, and manipulation makers
About half of these consultations do not lead to a partnership. This is due to various reasons such as my approach and philosophy not working for them, or them needing something I cannot offer. Sometimes, they are not ready, and a conversation helps them to determine that.
Honestly, I appreciate the fifty percent conversion rate. A good coach does not take every person who crosses their proverbial door, and this consultation is exceedingly important in the process. However, I’ve had a recent experience that truly flabbergasted me. I saw that someone made an appointment for one of these free business coaching informational chats. It was the same day that they subscribed to my newsletters. They had never been on my radar before. This is quite unusual as there is typically a dance that happens where people check me out, maybe come to a Zoom session, or get a reading before reaching out to me for business coaching. Usually, they are on my radar. This person decided to book themselves for my last slot of the evening: 8:30–9pm. This is a precious and highly sought-after time slot because that is when kids are asleep, the workday is done, and people have time for a session. It also is a big sacrifice for me because working evenings also means I do not see my family, or friends who work 9–5. I only offer them two or three times a week. At the appointed time, we connect, and she immediately launches into a story with her background before even introducing herself kind of as an afterthought. She was gushing about the things she had read about me and how great they were. But, then came the true request: “I am not interested in coaching. Maybe later. But can you help me with this aspect of business? I have looked everywhere on Google and cannot find anything.” I felt my skin flush because it literally did not compute that someone would even think to cross a boundary like this. And honestly? I let her know, “If you had no intention of getting coaching, then why did you book this session with me?” “I know, I am so sorry. But I saw that it was available and so I took it.” She said. “But…don’t you know that when you take a slot like this, especially this kind of time slot, you prevented a client the opportunity to book?” I asked. She was contrite. She apologized profusely. And, I think (hope) she learned as valuable a lesson as I did. I mean, she certainly inspired me to write this. So, lady that booked me for a session when you just wanted free advice, I thank you.
What you thought was just a friendly outing (and boy, do you need one, right? Entrepreneurialship can be lonely, thirsty work,) you are dismayed to see, wasn’t a social call it all. It had an agenda. You will find people come out of the woodwork: old friends, acquaintances, other readers who “befriend” you, and with it comes the open hand, expecting that you will just give, “Because we are friends.” Usually, the moment you place a boundary and ask for them to pay for your time, they are as silent as the first snow in winter. Either that or they will say they would love to pay you or they will pay you or they will consider paying you…later. Always later. Because, they are not thinking about you. They are only thinking about themselves. They do not understand that their “goodly intention” is actually robbing you. Robbing you of time. Robbing you of respect. Robbing you of genuine friendship and camaraderie. Because, the thing is, is that you are probably a very generous person at heart. If these people had just asked and offered to pay you, you would have said, “That’s ok” and given them a few pointers because that is just what you do. Because I know that you care. In the beginning I used to agonize over putting my boundaries in place. It made me feel like a bad person. But what I learned (the hard way) is that feeding these “hungry ghosts” will make them only demand more. You are rewarding them for bad behavior and training them to expect that relationship to continue. So, let me spell it out with some pointers that will help you easily discern if the person coming your way is a hungry ghost:
The Ambush: They corner you and try to use your social niceness against you in order to get what they want. Maybe they will brazenly do what that person who inspired this post did and actually book a session to put you on the spot. They might invite you to lunch without telling you the agenda ahead of time and corner you at your favorite Mexican joint (shame on them, ’cause who doesn’t want to focus on their enchilada?).
They might find you at a conference or call you out on social media and corner you there, where you would look like a “bad person” or maybe a “miserly person” for not giving them what they want. Remember, the surprise attack here is key. You are not being asked, you are not being offered a choice. Moreover, they are definitely not saying that they want to compensate you for your time. The Butter Up: These people will seem like they are your biggest fans, and they will use that as leverage. They sing your praises from here to the high heavens, but those praises come with strings attached-long emails or DMs asking you for your time and expertise. Because, they just love you! Why can’t you help? Aren’t you a good person like they thought you were?! The Slippery Sloper: They start off with an innocent request of your time. It isn’t much, really. You could totally help out, and you want to. It’ll only take a minute. This tactic reminds me of that a crappy high school date at the movies: first comes the hand on the arm, then the yawn and fake-out boob graze, and the next thing you know, you have a tongue jammed down your throat. Usually, there is no consent asked for, and it is a slow, meticulous evolution into much longer requests, and even entitled demands on your time. Debtor’s Prison: These hungry ghosts start off with telling you that they totally did something for you: like sent so many clients your way or gave you exposure on their platform. Then they will ask for a favor in return. You are put in an incredibly difficult spot, right? It is so tricky to use gratitude and guilt to gain an advantage. This typically goes hand-in-hand with people who are well-trained in Victim Complex, “Well, I did this and this for you, and you can’t even do that for me?” (sad face). The Ties that Bind: These are family, friends, and people connected to your partners who will take advantage of you and use emotional ties to do so. “But we are cousins! Remember that time when we had that Jell-O fight?! Come on, man, you know me! Help me out!” These are typically the most entitled because they know you as the friend or as the brother’s girlfriend. They have hung out with you. They know you. They like you. Of course, you will help them, ’cause they would help you! You would be a monster to charge your own family member. How could you possibly do that, right? Gee, I guess it’s “all business now, isn’t it?” they might say with a condescending snort. They might even pull the, “I guess you are just too good for me (us, this place, our relationship, etc.)” RUN, my friend, RUN
And, when you inform them about their transgression, it is a chance for them to learn. Maybe they didn’t know, haven’t figured it out, or are panicking. Perhaps your firm boundary is the thing they needed to really get all of this, and so you have done them a tremendous favor.
On the other hand, some people are just takers. They know exactly what they are doing. It is a tactic that has worked for them for a long time. The sooner you identify these hungry ghosts and mitigate their hold on you, the more you will be able to focus on those who DO value you, who RESPECT you, who are a JOY to work with.
As a result, many of these creators decide to put everything behind a paywall, or they just stop giving: such a loss to the community they contribute in.
What a damn shame. Personally, I offer a lot of free content and low-cost content. I have written extremely comprehensive books, all quite affordable. I could have put it all behind a pay wall and extracted even more. I chose not to take that route. I offer a free, monthly meeting for Spiritual Entrepreneurs — no strings attached. I write weekly fortunes, not to mention content like this to help others. And because I offer free content in ways that bring me joy, I am confident in the boundaries I have in place everywhere else. I am a naturally very giving person so I want to honor that about myself. But I need to help others in a way that is sustainable for me. Because to do anything else would mean burn-out, bitterness, and resentment towards the takers. I stay in control of the situation, and I do it in a way that makes me happy.
Then, with the space you have built for yourself with all of these luscious boundaries you have made, you can give back in ways that feel true and good to you. If you were socialized as a female, this can be especially hard, as it goes against all of the social lessons you have learned. It is hard for women to say, “No. Absolutely Not. Get The F*** Out Of Here With That Nonsense.”
Because we don’t want to make people mad. Because we are afraid of confrontation. To that, I say, “Psst, hey friend, I have a secret: the more you do it, the easier this gets.” And with takers? If you have made them mad, that usually means you are not giving them what they want. It means you are doing good! Entitlement is one helluva drug. Some people were raised without learning boundaries. But the better you are with your boundaries, the more you can invite into your life people who will offer as much (if not more) than they get. See the takers out, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya
I want to leave you with a good story because there are amazing people all over the place.. Recently, I had a pro reader sign up for one of my classes. When I asked her why she was taking it (as it is more of a tarot 101 class) she said, “You give so much for free, I wanted to give something back.”
It made me cry. Find these people. Hold them close. They are worth their weight in gold. These are the ones who deserve your time.
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A random Google search on, “How to become more intuitive” is an exercise in strange advice. To clarify, I use intuition instead of clairvoyance because I feel they are on a continuum. It can be difficult to asses what is intuitive information and extra-sensory information. For the purposes of my talk here, I use both words nearly interchangeably because to me, they work so close together they might as well be. The most common advice via Google for increasing intuition is as follows: meditation, pay attention to your dreams, journal, pay attention to your 5 senses, avoid fluoride, get your chakra (reiki, etc.) energy in balance, eat clean, and avoid alcohol.If this list were in the least bit accurate, by all rights I should be totally and completely lacking any intuitive abilities. I eat nachos, drink bourbon, gargle with fluoride, haphazardly meditate and forget my dreams as much as anyone else. Nor have I used any of these suggestions to increase my ability. Just like eyesight, hearing and touch, intuition is as natural and reliable (okay maybe not 5 bourbons in). Your intuitive sense is robust. You do not need to be a yogi on the mountain, or a champion meditation guru, or a vegetarian with balanced chakras. Intuition is a gift like all the other gifts we have as bodies, it is innate within you. There is no need to shroud this inexplicable sense anymore than it already is. Just like eyesight, hearing and touch, intuition is as natural and reliable (okay maybe not 5 bourbons in). Your intuitive sense is robust. You do not need to be a yogi on the mountain, or a champion meditation guru, or a vegetarian with balanced chakras. Intuition is a gift like all the other gifts we have as bodies, it is innate within you. There is no need to shroud this inexplicable sense anymore than it already is. Intuition is easily observed in children. Most children have an innate sense that at some point begins to fall off. This usually coincides with the start of school. School does not train us for listening to this sense and I would argue, actively dismantles it. We live in a society that does not honor, nor recognize intuition. In that vacuum what was natural talent atrophies in many. We can see further evidence for the lack our society has for intuition just by the dearth of words to adequately explain this perceptive sense. When our language lacks the words to describe what we are experiencing then it is hard to understand that what we sense is real. How could you possibly ever communicate your experience to a society that has decided that thing you are describing is not real? English (in my opinion) is not verbose when it comes to describing inner states and complex emotions. There has been a recent spate of research around how words of a thing change and shape how we feel and what we sense. There has also been research on the use of words and the perception of things like time and color perception. Namely, the language you use to perceive changes what you are perceiving. Ifind it hard to explain the process of intuition because I am grasping at words (inaccurate, clumsy substitutions) that are not up to the task of my perception. The closest analogy I can think of is trying to live as a person with sight in a blind world. That blind world telling the rarer sighted individuals that the color red is a delusion of their weak mind. How could you possibly ever describe the color red if there were no words for it? How could you possibly ever communicate your experience to a society that has decided that thing you are describing is not real? This is the first in a series of conversations I would like to have regarding intuition/extra-perception. This first piece sets up the conversation I wish to have with you later. If the advice we get about enhancing perception is mostly off-base, then what works? How can we create language that will help us identify what is going on inside and later explain it? How has a society that eschews this sense affect your intuition and your relationship to it? As an intuitive who makes her living by using this sense. I aim to question the advice that I have seen so often in fly by night articles (yes, I do see the irony). I also endeavor to replace them with methods that I use and know work. But, caveat here, what I may offer will not work for everyone. Merely, I offer a different way of viewing what ‘this’ is and how to enhance it. I hope to help you train your sense of your sense, namely, to be able to isolate what is intuition and what is not. I will offer a three-part series: The first is learning what intuition feels like. Gaining a lexicon that might be useful. Many things that I hear people call perception is often just suggestion. I’ve read bad advice where suggestion and subconscious to conscious conversations were labeled as extra-sensory. I want to clear up the difference so that you can easily recognize when it appears. I hope to help you train your sense of your sense, namely, to be able to isolate what is intuition and what is not. Half the battle here is just to be able to recognize it.
Once we have a clear idea of how and when our active intuitive state is present, we have to learn to listen to it, to trust it, and to turn up the volume so we can hear it better. I have some pretty novel ideas regarding how to do this that greatly increases our ability to catch the impression. Finally, upon identifying what the sense is like, and training our minds to hear it, we then can learn how to call it on command. Like tuning into a distance conversation we can train our ‘ears’ to pick up on the information from the ambient noise. We can easily put ourselves into a listening state that helps us catch what we need to sense. If you missed the first part of this series please go to ‘Dump the Pull One Card a Day Advice’ first. It specifically outlines why this advice can overwhelm and confuse a new reader rather than help them build proficiency. Some of my advice here may feel counter-intuitive. Q: If we are immediately placing meanings on cards then doesn’t that mean we are not allowing our natural intuition to tell us what we need? A: Not at all. In fact, learning just one word per card is creating the scaffolding, the framework wherein your intuition will work with you and through the medium you are using. (I started a series on intuition, here is the intro piece to that.) Here is what I know and have experienced:
If I am even the slightest bit anxious, puzzling over a meaning or feeling confused, then I am having strong feelings and over-thinking. Intuition does not come the more one ponders. It just comes. So we set the maximum conditions to allow it to come.
You will begin to use cards in new ways that are ‘off book’ and you will know they are accurate. You will build that internal language between your conscious and intuitive selves, but first you have to begin somewhere. The Method
One more thing about formulating a question:Half the work in a good reading (and yes, I know there is a philosophical difference in the tarot world regarding this) is doing the initial work of finding the ‘right’ question. This work is invaluable to the process. What do I actually want to know? What is causing me concern, really? Why not just ask it directly for God sake’s rather than couching all of that into a mealy, tepid question? It’s almost as if we do not trust our intuition or tarot to be direct and honest so we hedge our bets by open-ended questions. There is no need to do this! Your tarot and your intuition can handle it. Open ended questions in general are great, too. But, for the beginner we need to focus on creating a tight enough space to work within. A few more thoughts about this process:It is better to learn more cards with simpler vocabulary than fewer cards with 10 words of possible meanings. It is better to create conditions that will be successful, encouraging new students to gain immediate proficiency. The students I have who struggle the most are those that usually carefully analyze something as their way of understanding new information. This kind of approach often can squash those quick, fast, quiet intuitive hits that come out of nowhere. Be on the lookout for this tendency. Intuitive hits come quick. If you do not know immediately, put it aside, do not stress over it. When it is ready it will ding! into your awake thinking, like a small interruption. You have to let go and trust the process. The process you are creating. How magical is that?! The Road TestToday I have a meeting with someone concerning my cat. “Will the animal communicator give me a session that will help me understand and engage with my cat better?” See what I did there? I made the question specific and targeted. I even avoided the more nebulous, “How will the meeting I have with the cat communicator lady go?” Q: Will the animal communicator give me a session that will help me understand and engage with my cat better? Shuffle Shuffle... Using the one word I have chosen for each card, I get: Self-Imprisonment, Reward, and Intimacy. Looking at the spread I am noticing how the images look together. I erase the borders until it all comes together. (Mary Greer has some excellent exercises that help with this in her ‘21 Ways to Read Tarot’ In my spread, the first two cards reveal two people are looking in opposite directions. One is afraid of the ocean, and one is looking at what she is trying to cultivate. One is fearful, and the other is looking to the garden she wishes to grow. In the final image, we see two people joined together. The way this ‘comic strip’ narrative unfolds feels good to me. I do not feel the need to switch anything around, so I decide to move forward. Using the tips above I come to this narrative: “I am self-imprisoned and cannot see something very obvious about my relationship to my cat, maybe there is some kind of fear that is blinding me. The communicator will give me a reward (probably some kind of advice or insight) that will increase the intimacy and closeness of my cat and I.” The AnalysisCan I say that this prediction I made was accurate? Was the tarot communicating effectively with me? Do I feel clearer about the reading and understanding what the cards were saying to me? First, the person I worked with was excellent. She gets a big recommendation from me. The session was relevant, useful, and immensely helpful. A big component of the issues brought up by my cat via the communicator was how my stress was impacting my cat and she was feedback looping that back to me (Self-imprisonment being the major issue — the problems of my own making). Second, the rewards of the communicator’s insights allowed me to understand how to become closer to my cat. Looking back at the cards after the session allowed me to deepen my understanding about the major take-aways reaffirmed by the communicator. Not only did this three card spread answer my question regarding her competence, it also explained how her competence was going to influence the relationship I have with my cat. And I only needed one word for each card to get here. On ReflectionLooking back I want to make sure that my new technique is actually building the skills I wish to acquire which are: Gain a simple yet workable vocabulary that (I) will build upon, learn how to apply that vocabulary to a grammatical framework that makes sense, and finally, learn how to apply both the vocabulary and the grammar towards a goal of communication. Doing a three card spread accomplishes this very nicely in a way that one card pulls may not. Ultimately, I am aiming to understand how tarot wishes to communicate with me, and how tarot wants to use vocabulary that will be a lexicon we share. But first, we need a simple bridge. And we can only do that once we have established a tight enough rubric for meaningful exchange. You still with me? Have another cat pic, cause… damn she is adorable and we lurv each other. TL: DR
My recommendation is to just do these three card spreads for a month or two. I know you will be hankering to dig into larger spreads but just keeping your work to this format will cement the lexicon you are building. I suspect that the intuitive insights you begin to have will be remarkable. Bonus HomeworkStop reading for yourself.
Read for people on the news or about events you are not actually attached to. That way, you have no unconscious bias or anxiety impinging upon the reading. You will begin to feel when you get a hit and since you have no prior connection or ‘dog in the fight’ the perceptions will be clear. Again, remember I am giving very new timer advice for your first couple of months. You will read for yourself and others later. This is just about learning to build a tarot-intuitive bridge in your head. I love getting question fodder from reddit. There are tons of people publicly posting and asking for advice there. I love going to r/relationships to get questions. These folks are asking for advice on a public forum (so I feel okay for reading for them) and they will follow up what whatever happened usually. Keep a journal of these and see how well you do. Okay, that’s it! Thank you for reading and also I truly hope this helps! |
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Jenna Matlin
M.S. in Organizational Psychology and Leadership Categories
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